50 Tomorrow

Today is the last day of my life that I will spend being less than 50 years old.

In case you hadn't noticed, 50 year-olds are old. They are no longer young. Of course, I have a son who will turn 21 in 6 months. Many friends my age have grandchildren.

But for me, tomorrow is a day I'd just as soon never get to.

I'm not sure why. Oh, yes I am. On my 40th birthday, I could reasonably expect that I still had half of my life ahead of me. (It was an optimistic view, but still in the realm of the rational).

On my 50th birthday, I have to admit that it is more than half over. The end is now closer than the beginning. And thoughts of that end have me unnerved. I won't say frightened, because I am not making choices based on that fear. I am not desperately seeking some fountain of youth, or some religion/mysticism that promises a certainty that is patently unattainable.

I am worried. But I think that that worry is, at heart, a good thing. For about 15 years of my life (from age 15 - 30), death was no real threat. There wasn't, at that point, enough real joy in my life that I would have been distressed by leaving it behind.

Somewhere between 35 and 40 life got VERY good. So good, that it is hard to imagine a heaven that, for me personally, is better. The kingdom of heaven is near, very near to me.

In the meantime, my honesty about how big God would need to be to be God of the known (and unknown) world has made it harder for me to conceive of God. On a day to day basis, I still depend on God. It is sort of like my feelings about airplanes - I use them, I expect them to work. But I don't really believe in them. How could anything that big (and heavy) really stay suspended in AIR!! Hello, it just doesn't make sense.

Like it or not, I am stuck with God and stuck with being 49 and 364/365ths.

So, 50, ready or not . . . here I come.